What makes you think I'm in drag?

Looking down at my outfit today, I'm smacked with the realization that I am a borderline drag king. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to put on fake facial hair and sideburns, bind my boobs down, cut my hair short(been there, done that), start working on cars and acting like a dude. But most of my clothes, besides my unmentionables('cept a few pairs of boxer briefs), were purchased in the men's department...of Old Navy. Is it a comfort thing? Perhaps. Maybe I like looking frumpy. Or maybe I just like looking like a chick(all tits and curly hair) in men's clothes. I don't know what it is, and maybe I never will. But it reminded me of a boog I wrote back in April of 2006 after attending my friend Nora's bachelorette party. In honor of my drag-ish appearance, here is that boog detailing the first time I fell in love with a drag queen...queen...not king...QUEEN!!!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I'm in love with a drag queen...

How did this happen? Let me lay the foundation for you....
Last Saturday I was attending a bachelorette party for a dear, dear friend of mine. The evening was chock-full of fantabulous bachelorette-ish activities, including a stripper or 2, some pretty raunchy and serious dancing, a party bus, and topped off with a nice helping of the Baton Club.

The night was going well for me, not too drunk, not too sober...I was juuuuuuuuuust right. We arrived at the Baton at midnight and waited patiently for the 12:30am show to start. When it did, I was pleased to discover that 4 lovely ladies were popping the night off with "Free Your Mind" by En Vogue. One of them caught my eye, and I said, to no on in particular, "I like the one on the right." After their performance, there was some filler, the obligatory "I Touch Myself" routine filled with self-touching, then....it happened. My "one on the right" was up and decked out in full Janet Jackson attire. Then she started to do her thang, and to my delight, she performed "If" to near perfection. Now, for those of you who know me, you know why this is a big deal. "If" is my jam, and I spent months attempting to perfect the moves in high-school. I still have the friggin VHS tape and, if not for my creaky knees, I might still be dancing along with it in my living room 7 days a week for hours at a time. I pretty much consider myself an "If" connoisseur, and kind of a huge loser, but whatever. That alone was enough to make me love her, but she wasn't done...

A couple of numbers later, my girl was up again, this time...Beyonce..."Bootylicious". I was beside myself and wriggling in my chair like a puppy who had to piddle...in fact I think I did have to piddle, but that's a tale for another time. Anyflipper, it was as if she was performing just for me, even though she didn't even know I was there or who I was. By the time she came on for her third song(something by Paula Abdul, all those songs sound the same to me...but don't think for one minute that I don't love me some Paula!) I was blinded...by love, by Captain Morgan, perhaps a mixture of two. It didn't matter, she had me. I love-drunked my way to the side of the stage so I could be closer. I had a vision of me suavely handing her a $20 bill and tossing her a wink, her tossing one back and blowing me a kiss. It didn't go like that. I drunkenly thrust the bill at her and she smiled and walked away. I scrounged in my pocket for more money, I had to try again, I had to do better. All I came up with was a wadded-up dollar and hoped that would be good enough. I stood by the side of the stage, leaning toward her, she came over, I froze, mouth agape complete with a drool accessory, I meekly handed her my lame dollar and as she turned to walk away, I blurted out " I love you!" like the Queen of Dorks that I am.

After the show, a nice man who saw my desperation introduced me to my love. I don't remember what come out of my mouth, probably something resembling the noise Chewbacca might make if he were drunk. Someone took our picture, but who knows if I'll ever see it. And so ends the sad tale of my love for a drag queen...sigh...