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Friday, December 19, 2008

Please accept my apology...

I'm sorry, faithful boog readers, I just cannot get myself into a writing mood these days. Usually, my creative juices get flowing when my life is fun, and exciting, and right now, my life is blah...busy, but blah.(PS...I just read that as "busty, but blah", which also true.) And it's busy with things that I find totally boring when people talk to me about Christmas shopping...and the weather. Those are two things that I loathe hearing about, yet find myself talking about constantly. As is the case right now...dammit. So in an effort to try to keep myself from boring you, I've decided against posting a stream of boogs that talk about Christmas...and the weather...hoping that if I don't bore you, you'll come back for more. But I realize that my plan has a major flaw. If I don't post anything new, people will eventually get tired of checking my boog and it'll dry up like cheese on a carpet and no one will read it ever again. This, my friends, is what we call a conundrum, which also happens to be the name of one of my favorite white wines...or maybe it's a quandary...which no wine is named after...maybe I'll say it's a conundary and I'll invent a wine...that also has vodka and Squirt in it. Gross. Okay, sorry, back to the conundary. So yeah, what is a girl to do when she doesn't want to write about the obvious things such as Christmas and the weather? As you can see, writing a nonsensical boog is the answer. A rambling, rant of a boog taken to dizzying heights of ridiculascity, filled with made up words and frequent mentions of the obvious things, such as Christmas and the weather, so she can talk about those obvious things without really talking about them. Let's see how she does.

Oh, I have something to talk about...the pedestrian crossings on Madison Street in Forest Park. I'm obsessed with them. I love nothing more than stopping for pedestrians at the legal crossings. My best days are days when there are pedestrians at each crosswalk that I can stop for. I find myself Lego-mad at peds who don't use the designated crossing area and it wouldn't surprise me to one day find myself shouting "Use the crosswalk, you ahole!" while shaking my fist at them. This brings me to an incident that happened this morning. I was driving at a slow pace down Madison, maybe I was window shopping and that's why I was going slow, I'm sure it had nothing to do with any horrible driving conditions caused by weather. Anysanta, I approached a ped Xing and noticed a mother and child waiting patiently at the crosswalk, so I pulled gently on Reggie's reigns. It took a little while, but he slowed down to a stop, and we waved the peds across the street. As they passed in front of me, I looked into my rear-view mirror and was greeted with the side view of a turquoise car, sliding merrily towards Reggie's rump. Old Turquiose eventually spun all the way around, and was facing the opposite direction on the other side of the street. The person was able to turn their car around without incident, and when I saw that all was well, I hightailed it out of there so they couldn't road-rage me. I'm not sure why this person couldn't control their car, but I'm sure it had nothing to do with any horrible driving conditions caused by weather, and their decision to drive too fast for any horrible driving conditions caused by weather. I mean, I was sitting at a dead stop for quite a spell, backwards-facing friend should have had no problem stopping in a timely fashion.

Speaking of fashion, I was at Dress Barn last night(first of all, change your name, Dress Barn, especially if half your store is for ladies of the curvy variety. How cute can a curvy lady sound if she tells people she shops at a dress barn? Where the moo-cows live? Also, Dress Barn, after you're done changing your name, call Lane Bryant and tell them to change their name as well. This curvy lady enjoys acronyms, and saying I purchased my pants at LB's is just no good.) where was I? Right, I was at Dress Barn last night and it was not crowded at all! Granted, I'm not sure why this surprises me, I mean, there could have been a crowd if say, horrible weather was being forecast and people needed to get major shopping done for, say, Christmas or something, but whatever. So I'm at Dress Barn noticing the non-crowd and I started wishing that if I were to be purchasing gifts for a major holiday, say, Christmas, that all of my purchases could have been made at Dress Barn(this became an even bigger wish when Emily and I went to Target, which was described so eloquently by Emily as a "clusterf*ck"). And I would have purchased everything if I were shopping for a major holiday from the Barn, except that I don't know how much my dad or Mike would enjoy a blouse from Dress Barn if they were to receive a blouse on a major holiday, like, Christmas, or something. Now that I think of it, I bet my dad wouldn't mind a dress, or a skirt...he likes clothes that "breathe".

Speaking of breathing, inhaling through your nose can really hurt if you do it in cold weather...and I'm not saying that it's brutally cold right now, I'm just saying that you need to know your environment, you need to be careful when you inhale sharply, especially if it's cold out. Sure, being careful when you inhale sharply through your nose is always a good idea, as you never know when a bee or a pigeon could be perched under your nose and that could really do some damage if you were to inhale sharply, but you really should be careful if it's cold...and I'm not saying it is...cold...right now...and snowy...I'm not saying that. Also, if you have a minty gum in your mouth and it's effing freezing...again, I'm not saying that it is, I'm just saying that in the event that you happen to be enveloped by some coldness, you should be careful when you're chewing a minty gum if you decide to inhale through your mouth. Maybe arctic temperatures are a time for bubble gum...or fruity gum(oh, stop!)...or a plain there a plain gum? And I'm in no way implying that arctic temperatures are present in the Chicagoland area right now along w/ a foot of snow less than a week before Christmas, I'm not implying that at all, I'm just saying. I mean, summer is also a good time for bubble gum, and fruity gum...and chewing tobacco. Sure, I prefer gum, but chewing tobacco is fine if you're into that kind of thing, which I'm not, but some people are and I'm not saying it's wrong. I guess what I really think I'm saying is...that...I like gum.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Can you get arrested for boog neglect?

I mean, I suppose if you neglect nose boogs long enough to where they become weapons due to hard sharpness, then you probably could get arrested. But not for boog neglect as much as something to do with illegal weapons. However, I'm not in the law enforcement game, so I have no idea if nose boog weapons are illegal. Wait, what the hell am I going on about? Sorry, that was a nasty tangent...and nastgent, if you will. The point is, I've totally neglected my boog(not nose) for like, 3 weeks. Here my boog(not nose) sits, alone, lonely, covered in it's own filth, starving for food and attention while I'm off gallivanting w/ turkey and having a birthday and other such nonsense(I did not invite my boog to my birthday celly...please don't mention it). I'm very ashamed...

So much has happened since my last boog(not nose) entry. There was the best protest ever, which I will write about in full detail very soon. Then there was TGivs, which I was also pay more attention to in a boog(not nose) to follow. And then my birthday...which leads me to what I wanted to quickly talk about today.

My friend Anne gave me a Digi-pet for my birthday. Many of you have probably already heard me talk about this pet and are probably already sick of it. Too bad...I'm talking some more. So, at first when I opened the hermetically sealed plastic package, I was sceptical. I figured I was too old for a Digi-pet and those types of things were for kids. In fact, it said "Kids Only" on the package but I figured that I'm so immature that whoever it is that goes around enforcing that "Kids Only" rule would figure I was no more than 12 yrs old...and a boy...obsessed w/ farts. Anypopper, I started flipping through the pets to decide which one would be mine. It was a close race between a dinosaur and a crab, but the crab won out mostly because dinosaurs are so unpredictable and hard to control. I named my crab Ike, and started to care for him. First, I went to the "Feed" button to choose some food. There was pizza and milk...and pizza...and that was it. Apparently, Ike was going to be forced to have only pizza and milk, which is my dream diet but if I have too much dairy I get rumble-guts. Then I decided to try and "Train" Ike...he didn't like this idea, he made a weird noise and a frowny face. So, then I tried "Play"...Ike didn't like that either and made the same face. I figured he must be sick, so I tried "Dr." and had the same results. Three minutes into crab-ownership and I was failing! Frantic that Ike was going to die, I gave him more pizza. He smiled and jumped up and down, so I gave him some milk, which he also smiled about. I figured that if these eating habits kept up, I was going to have a 327 pound digital crab on my hands. This worried me, but then I realized that a 327 pound crab was a lock to get on Biggest Loser and then my dream of meeting Jillian, having her beat me up into a svelte yet strong 125 pounds then fall madly in love with me and marry me, would come true. Wait, where was this going? Oh yeah, Ike. So Ike ate some more food, but still showed no interest in other activities so I just kept feeding him. Finally I stopped feeding him when he reached 7 pounds. I let him sit for awhile and then Ike made a noise, unprompted. I looked at the screen...what is this...mashed potatoes? Ice cream? OMG it was poop! Ike had taken a mashed potato-looking poop! I cleaned it up and of course laughed. Fast forward a half hour, another poop. Again, I cleaned and laughed. FF another half hour, another poop. This was getting ridiculous. While jealous of his metabolism, I started thinking that his BM's were gonna keep me up all night. I decided to "Train" him again. This time, he took to it, jumping through a hoop. I figured all work and no play makes Ike a mad-crab, so we "Play"ed with a kite, did some more training, some more playing, you get the picture. At about 1130pm, Ike, all tuckered and "pooped" out, fell asleep all on his own. I shut off his light, and my light and we both slept through the night.

Since that first day, Ike and I have gotten closer than I thought any Digi-pet and human could get. I find myself talking to him, asking if he wants play, scolding him if he doesn't read, asking him if his tummy hurts when he's not eating, and saying "Did you make stinky, Ike?" every time he poops. I'm so nervous about what I'll do when Ike digi-dies, cuz I mean, what's the average life-span of a digital crab? It can't be that long, but I already know I want Ike to live forever. I can tell you for sure that when he does digi-die, I won't have another Ike, like I did w/ the 9 consecutive Petey the Goldfish I won at various fun fairs when I was a kid. Ike, unlike Petey, is irreplaceable...