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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Back up off my girl...

Listen, I love Britney Spears. I know that she does not sing at her concerts, but I don't care. I love her. I know that she consistently gets skewered by reviewers(heh), but I don't care. I love her. I know that her songs are cheesed-out electronically modified pop jams, but I don't care. I love her. I LOVE HER. I guess this is coming out because I got pretty defensive when I read the Sun Times review in which the reviewer totally whack-a-moled her show. I went last night, and I cannot argue with one thing he panned her for, everything he said was true...I guess I just don't care. Because I love her.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Oh no, not Dorothy Zbornak!!!!

It is with a heavy, heavy heart that I write this boog today. As many of you might already know, yesterday marked the death of Bea Arthur. Bea was one of our most beloved television actresses, entering our hearts first as Maude in "Maude" and then earning a place there forever playing the quick witted Dorothy Zbornak in "The Golden Girls". If you were to say I was obsessed with the Golden Girls, well you wouldn't be wrong. I stay up until 1am many nights during the week watching episode after episode after episode. They are half the reason I wanted to get a DVR. I credit Dorothy Zbornak and Sophia Petrillo with showing me how to smack people with a quick comeback. Mind you, my comebacks are a little less TV friendly, riddled with swears and all, but still, Dorothy and Sophia helped mold me into the sarcastic ass that I am today.

Where were you when you heard about Bea Arthur? Well, I was at the Big City Tap with The Joyous One watching the depressing mess that was the Cubs game when my phone buzzed. I picked up my phone, it was a text from my sister Emily. I opened the text and gasped louder than I've ever gasped before. I may have actually said the word "GASP". The Joyous One immediately knew something was wrong and when I showed her the text, she put her arm around me and said "Oh no babe!". I put my head down, looked at the text again, and started crying. Through my tears I was able to respond to my sister with a "You're lying..." text, to which she responded that no, she was not lying and that she tried to call to tell me in person. I was startled by my reaction to hearing that Bea Arthur was dead, although my being startled shouldn't be that startling because I startle easily, as some of you know. If you didn't know that, well now you know that I'm an easy startler. I startled myself just the other day at Whole Foods, and I startle myself every time I open my garbage can at home.'s a gift. Anyjumpy, back to Bea...the news of her passing invaded the rest of my evening. We were at an enGAYgement party and it was all I could talk about. When my friend Bundy got there, she said "Hi Merta" and I responded, not with a hello, but with "BEA ARTHUR DIED!!!!", way to kill the celebratory mood, Merta. And instead of toasting the happy couple, I continually toasted to Bea Arthur. Even when we did a big "To Jason and Ryan" toast, I was in my head going "And to Bea Arthur"...don't tell Jason and Ryan though. Boy, I sure hope they don't read this, I really want to be invited to that wedding! Anygaywedding, my heart is truly saddened by the death of Bea Arthur, and to celebrate my sarcasm mentor, I've included some of my favorite Dorothy Zbornak quotes. Man, I don't even want to think about what I'm going to do when Betty White dies...

"Rose: I had the strangest dream last night. I was at a baseball game. Charlie Brown was pitching, Shroeder was behind the plate, Lucy and Snoopy were in center field, and they wouldn't let me play. When I woke up, I was crying. What do you think it is?
Dorothy: Peanuts envy?"

"Dorothy: So you're five years older. So am I, so is Blanche. All right, so you have a few more wrinkles. So do I, so does Blanche. OK, so you're a little thicker around the middle. So is Blanche."

"Dorothy: [to Sophia] You're a furry little gnome and we feed you too much. "

"Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy: Better than anyone I know..."

"Blanche: Rose! You were in a love triangle and never told me!
Rose: I never thought you'd be interested!
Dorothy: Oh really? But you thought we WOULD be interested in the story about little Yiminee, the boy who was raised by a wild moose?"

"Sophia: Was that a plumber?
Dorothy: No, that was a girl scout, selling girl scout toilets."

"Rose: Why are you both wearing black? Did you just get back from a funeral?
Dorothy: No Rose, we were singing back-up for Johnny Cash."

"Dorothy: Oh come on, Ma, that's superstitious nonsense. You know, step on a crack, break your mother's back, it doesn't work. — I know."

"Dorothy: Rose, I hope you don't mind, but I'm borrowing your golf gloves.
Rose: Oh, you have a date?
Dorothy: Yes.
Blanche: With a man?
Dorothy: No, Blanche! With a Venus Flytrap!!!! Of course with a man!"

"Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother; she suffered a slight stroke a few years ago, which rendered her totally annoying."

And to cap it off, here is my all-time favorite Golden Girls exchange...

"Rose: This is exactly what happened during the Great Herring War.
Blanche: The Great Herring War?
Rose: Yes, between the Lindstroms and the Johanssons.
Dorothy: Oh, THAT Great Herring War.
Rose: The two families controlled the most fertile herring waters off the coast of Norway, so naturally, it seemed like it would be in their best interest to band together. Oh, boy, was that a mistake. You see, they couldn't agree on what to do with the herring
Dorothy: Oh, well that's understandable. I mean, the possibilities are overwhelming.
Rose: Exactly. The Johanssons wanted to pickle the herring, and the Lindstroms wanted to train them for the circus.
Blanche: Weren't they kind of hard to see riding on the elephants?
Rose: Oh, not that kind of circus. A herring circus. Sort of like Sea World, only smaller. Much, much smaller. But bigger than a flea circus.
Dorothy: Uh, tell me, Rose, um... Ah-ha ha ha!... Did they ever shoot a herring out of a cannon? Rose: Only once. But they shot him into a tree. After that no other herring would do it."

Rest in peace, Bea Arthur, and thanks for the laughs!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Take my kid to work? I don't even want to go myself...

In my 32 years on this planet, I have never participated in "Take Your Child To Work Day". I always wanted to, well, mostly I always wanted to go with my mom to work, since when I was a kid she was a stay at home mom. Shockingly, that didn't fly. But even after she went back to work she never took me, so neither parent ever offered to take me to their job on "Take Your Child To Work Day". Not that I can talk, I've never offered to take my children to work, and I don't think I will this year either...probably because I don't have children...or a puppy...or a hamster even...I have no kin. Anylonely, since I've never participated in "Take Your Child To Work Day"(because I've NEVER BEEN ASKED TO), I spent several years pushing away the hurt and the painful reminders of this day in which children are taken to work by their loving parents. At 32 years old, I thought I was over it. I pretty much thought I'd forgotten all about it...until today when I received this from my mother:

Dear Children,

As you know, or don't know, tomorrow is "Take Your Child to Work Day' and there is nothing I would rather do except not go to work and that is exactly what I am going to do, so either go to your own job or talk your Father into taking you to his.

So that got me thinking that there should be a new day called "Take Your Grown-Up-Children-With-Their-Own-Jobs To Work Day". This would be a way for those of us who were deprived of this privilege to finally see "where daddy hangs his coat" or "where mommy eats her lunch", or "where daddy reads the paper", or "where mommy plays solitaire", or "where daddy keeps his flask" or "mommy fired Johnson for being a dbag" or "where daddy got written up for sending an email that was deemed 'inappropriate for work' regarding a bull who has his way with a cow whose head is stuck between fence posts"...sorry...I got lost there for a bit. Anybovine, I guess I missed being taken to work more than I knew. And I think it would be hilarious, at 32, to have my lifelong dream finally come true...participating in "Take Your Child To Work Day". Maybe next year...