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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

It's natural, baby...

My friend Jessica wrote a hilarious/disgusting Facebook update today that made me laugh and yet feel sick at the same time. But mostly it made me laugh:

Jessica Aimee Cakuls Yesterday I'm puking and I think how funny it'd be if people tried to eat their puke like dogs. Could u imagine walking down a street in Lincoln Park at 2am & seeing 10 girls on their knees, furiously scooping puke back into their mouths? So I laugh into my toilet and then go back to bed. After 20 seconds, I hear some weird noises. I go back into the bathroom and my dog is trying 2 eat my puke out of the toilet.

This status update also made me think...first, about why Jess wouldn't flush the toilet after horking to avoid Diego munching it up. But then it made me think about other animal habits that would be utterly hilarious if done by humans.

A girl in her early 20's is at a meat-market bar looking to meet someone. She weaves through the crowd, eyeing folks until someone catches that eye. She walks over to them and promptly buries her nose in their butt, sniffing merrily away. She doesn't like their scent, so she moves on, casually sniffing butts as she passes people.

A young child hears the doorbell ring at their parents house. They leap excitedly as a family friend walks through the door. They crouch down on all fours, back end wiggling away, and pee all over the floor. Their parents see the piddle puddle and say "Oh look, he's excited to see you!". Several weeks later, this same family is getting ready to go on vacation. The parents tell their son to go outside and play for a bit before leaving, hoping he will release some energy and sleep in the car. They call him into the house only discover he's rolled around in something that stinks to high heaven, most likely raccoon scat. Trip delayed.

You're at a Cubs/Sox game at Wrigley. A couple guys in front of you get in an argument about spilled beer. Of course, one is a Cubs fan, one is a Sox fan. The argument begins to escalate, each of them puffing up in anger and you fear the fight may start getting physical. The Cubs fan, blowing his top first, poops into his hand and flings it at the Sox fan. The Sox fan retaliates with a poop fling of his own, and before you know it, the sh*t is literally hitting the fan(s). You jump on the back of a large stranger and try to get out of the stadium, much like a bird might hitch a ride on the back of a hippo. As payment, you begin to eat the bugs and other parasites off the large stranger's back. Then you get a tapeworm.

I'm sitting in my living room on my couch and my butt starts to itch. I pull down my pants, get on the floor, and scootch my butt along the carpet to relieve the itch, all the while hearing The Joyous One scream "Bad girl! No! No! Bad girl!". The yelling is ignored, butt-on-carpet-scootching continues until the itch is satisfied, pants then get pulled up and couch sitting resumes.

Yes, I know a lot of these have to do w/ butts and poop, but face it, that's what most animal habits have to do with...butts and poop. And butts and poop are hilarious and you know it...