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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

November's gonna suck...

October 2008 was like, the most concertdiculous month for me of all time. Seriously, I'm in a concert coma, I've got jam-band gingivitis, arena-anephylactic-shock, I need rock-n-roll rehab...okay, that's getting annoying. But for real tho, my October was straight up rockdiculous**note: if any of you hear me complaining about not having a New Year's resolution, tell me to quit making up words as my resolution, mkay?**
Here's a titty bitty rundown of who I saw, what I thought, and why you're stupid if you didn't come with me:

October 4th -- United Center, Tina read me, TINA TURNER. I could go on and on about her gorgeous legs, but that's SO 1996 Hanes Wildest Dreams Tour when Tina and Oprah became Tinprah. Speaking of, she was totally at the show with a pocket-size Tom Cruise and of course the crowd went all apesh*t crazy when they came in. I was hoping that some of them would go really apesh*t crazy and fling poop at them...not that I don't like Oprah, it's just that poop flinging is funny no matter what, so long as it doesn't hit Gayle. Anysnapple, Tina was amazing. I found myself in awe of the fact that, at 70, she looks better than I ever will, sings better than I ever will, dances better than I ever will, and wears heels better than I ever will. I've seen her 4 times now, and she has never been this good...or had hotter dancers. I'd like to shake the hand of whoever it was that decided the dancers should wear nothing more than underwear and short skirts for the whole show. I'm hoping it was Tina, because then I would be able to shake the hand of a true living legend. Highlight of the show: at one point, Tina came over to the corner of the stage, and I sh*t you not, looked right at me and pointed as she sang "Nutbush City Limits". If you get a chance to see her, do not be stupid, drop everything and go. You'll thank me for it.

October 9th -- The Riviera, Tegan & Sara. Like a bad little lesbian, I tried forever to avoid this duo because I didn't want to look like one of those people who only likes a band because one or many of it's members go to homo church. Little did I know that Tegan & Sara were so crazy awesome. It wasn't long before I had all of their albums playing on a continuous iPod loop. I still do, actually. It's nuts, I'm addicted to them like crack...but good crack, not the kind that renders you toothless and butter-mouthed. Luckily, my friend Dan is also an addict, so I always will have a Tegan & Sara pal to go to the show with. Unfort for Dan and I, we also enjoy the booze a little, and this caused our judgement to be clouded when deciding the time we should leave for their Oct 9th show. The Joyous One warned us, but we were determined to miss the opening band, so we kept putting off the departure. That, and a slow cab driver caused us to miss the first 20 minutes, and I felt a little like crying, but then I got to hear so many songs that I loved that I recovered quickly. Their onstage banter had me green w/ envy, wishing I were clever, wishing I had a twin, wishing I could write a song. I often describe their voices as haunting, they stay with you like a ghost...a good ghost...a Casper...or a Small Wonder...wait, she's a robot...and she sucks...scratch the Small Wonder reference.

October 18th -- Heartland Cafe, Cathy Richardson Band...acoustic. If you know me at all, you know that Cathy Richardson Band is one of my favorite bands, and CR one of my favorite singers. I'm mildly obsessed...and by mildly I mean totally. The Heartland Cafe is a neat venue, small, intimate, but it's hotter than Satan's armpit in there, let me tell you. It was the perfect setting for the perfect CRB show, all requests, all the time. I'll have to ask my CRB rookie, Jessica, what she thought, since she was a first-timer. Of course The Joyous One, being the loudest in the room, pretty much ran things in terms of requests. She had good choices, so really I can't complain and CR must've liked them because she played every one. Anne Harris was of course by CR's side, jamming away on her fiddle. I'll tell ya, I didn't know I could be jealous of a fiddle until I became aware of Anne Harris. And while Tegan & Sara have that witty twin thing onstage, they don't have the market cornered on hilariousness. CR can not only sing the pants of you, she'll crack your sh*t up while she's doing it, and there you'll be, pantsless and laughing...and under arrest for indecent exposure.

October 21st -- Heartland Cafe, Jefferson Starship featuring Cathy Richardson. Yeah, so one night of CR was not enough for me, so I was off to the Heartland cafe for another taste, this time with Jefferson Starship. I was thrilled to hear 2 songs from The Weavers, including "Kisses Sweeter Than Wine", which quite possibly is my favorite song...ever. My dad raised me on a steady diet of The Weavers, so this show felt like home to me, except for the fact that I was practically sitting in a potted plant and it constantly felt like someone was fondling my hair, which doesn't happen at home, but whatever. They closed the show with the most awesome thing ever, a song from their new album which is a mix of "Imagine" and "Redemption Song"...I was blown away. My friend Annie declared that that song alone made the trip to Rogers Park totally worth it. I concur, Annie, I concur.

October 24th -- Allstate Arena, New Kids On The Block...yes those New Kids. You know what's more embarrassing than going to a NKOTB show at the age of 31? Enjoying it, that's what. It was my first ever NKOTB show, I wasn't all that into them way back when and because of that, I thought it would be a giggle to go to the show. Me and 4 others(who will remain nameless, but know who they are, Emily, Dawn, Molly, Nikki...woops) hopped in a limo like the cool kids we are and headed to the Allstate Arena. Little did we know, traffic wouldn't be bad and we would get there WELL before showtime, forcing us into Chili's to drink Mai Tai's with the other 30-something-chicks sporting NKOTB regalia and crimped hair. I found myself way more into the show than I thought I would be, almost buying a novelty "Donnie" button...but I refrained, unlike 2 people who will remain nameless, Emily and Nikki...woops. I sang along way more than I wanted to, smiled way more than I wanted to, and did a fair amount of laughing at myself for geeking out so hardcore. The only way to describe the show is horribly awesome. Oh, and for you Tila Tequila fans, last year's finalist Bo was at NKOTB...he and I had a dorkhood apparently.

October 26th AND October 27th -- United Center, Ma-f*cking-donna. I really don't have to say much more than "Ma-f*cking-donna", but I will. I'm so spoiled rotten, I got to see Madonna 2 days in a row, and I will say that I'm a better person for it. The first night, we had awesome seats, so close to Madonna at times that I could see the veins in her awesomely muscular arms. I think the only time we sat down was during "You Must Love Me" and that was only because we were tired from least I was. She busted out several songs off her new album, tons of old stuff including a punked-out "Borderline", a free-for-all "La Isla Bonita", and the song that brought The Joyous One to her knees...literally..."Like A Prayer". She played for 2 hours, no encore, which pissed me off initially, but then I realized I just watched Madonna and her muscles for 2 hours...what the eff was there to complain about? Actually, I did find 1 thing to complain about the first night...during the request portion, she played "Beautiful Stranger"...does anyone actually like that song? Enough to request it? Night 2 brought seats on the opposite side of where we were sitting the night before, and a little further from the stage so it was like a whole new show! Even though we weren't as close to Madonna, we saw more of her, if that makes sense. Night 2 also brought a far better request..."Dress You Up" of my favs. I left loving her more than I did when I got there, and I really didn't think that was possible. The Joyous One was hilarious/brilliant in her assessment of the Madge concerts, "Madonna never disappoints...the Cubs always do". Not sure what one has to do with the other, but hey, that's how The Joyous One sees it...

And so ends my Roctober wrap up(seriously, I need to quit that sh*t). I'd like to thank everyone that attended any of the shows with me, as their attendance was a big part of why it was so much fun... so thanks to The Joyous One, my mom, Monica, Dan, Jay, Annie, Jessica, Mike, Sean, Emily D, Dawn, Molly, and Nikki. Special extra thanks to Emily D, Dawn and Molly...y'all know what you did...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I suppose that is a full-time job...

Gosh, it's been a couple of weeks filled w/ depressing finds for me. Last night, I found out that I make less money than the homeless panhandling crack-addict I saw on Intervention. The Joyous One looked at me immediately and said "Get panhandlin! But don't smoke crack."...done and done...

1, 2 Freddy's comin for you...

Hey y'all, in honor of Halloween knocking at our door, and also in honor of the fact that I just finished a scary book called "The People In The Attic", I thought I would dust off a myspace Halloween boog from 2006. At the bottom I've added some of my scariest movie-watching moments, so please, if you've got any good ones that you want to get off your chest, feel free to scare the crap outta me...and others.

Friday, October 27, 2006
Scary Movies...MWAH-HA-HA
So I'm an idiot because I decided to watch the "100 Scariest Movie Moments" right before bed last night. That sh*t had me skerred y'all, let me tell you. I came to the conclusion that I might be too old for scary movies. Not because they are childish, but because the fear that comes with them is no longer exhilarating like it was when I was younger, now it's just straight fear. I don't laugh anymore after a tumble through a haunted house, I cry. I don't peek through my fingers, screeching w/ girlish glee while watching a scary movie, now I cover my eyes completely throughout or just don't watch it all all. Here's the problem, I have a tendency to watch scary movies and believe that some of those things could happen. Not with all of them, but any that touch on psychotic killers and devil stuff make me think that that type of heebie jeebie crap could possibly happen to me. I could be babysitting on Halloween, minding my business, and get terrorized by a slow-walking maniac wearing a crazy William Shatner mask and who JUST WON'T DIE...that's a possibility. I could go to a summer camp and have it be stalked by a machete-wielding nut job in a hockey mask...that could happen. Me and my family(including my son who has a gift called the shining) could be winter caretakers of a large hotel and it could cause my spouse to hallucinate and imagine sex with a corpse of some sort, then turn into a crazy psycho killer and then freeze to death in a hedge maze...I'm not ruling that out. I could be the daughter of a famous actress and get possessed by the devil, crab-walk down the stairs backwards, pee on the floor in front of my mother's party guests, jam a crucifix into my lady bits, turn my head all the way around, shoot vomit out onto a priest who is performing my exorcism and then finally be cured of my demons only after the priest chucks himself out of a window, plunging to his death...I've seen things like that before. I could be Jennifer Aniston and be chased around by a psychotic, perverted leprechaun...stranger things have happened. Okay, maybe psychotic, perverted leprechauns is stretching it a little...but I could be Jennifer Aniston!

This backtrack to 2006 has made me think of some of my scariest movie moments:

"To Kill A Mockingbird" when Jem is on the Radley's back porch and that shadow is reaching at him. I was only scared because the lights were out and my father decided that would be the perfect time to jump up from behind the couch screaming. Jerk.

"Scream" the first 5 minutes of the movie=poop-inducing and the whole friggin theater was literally screaming.

"Pet Semetary" when Gage is back from the dead and he's under Herman Munster's bed and he slashes at his exposed ankles w/ a scalpel...shudder...

"It"...the entire effing movie. Even though the movie was of the "made for tv" variety, it still makes my skin crawl, creepy predatory sewer clown, children being killed, something so scary it makes a boy's hair turn white, and the mole on the side of Richard Thomas's face...all enough to terrify a 13 year old girl.

And my number one scariest movie moment ever...

"Carrie"- the shower scene where her Aunt Flo visits her for the first time and she starts screaming for help and all the mean high school girls start throwing tampons and pads at her and she crouches down crying...we had JUST learned about the female business, so it was not a good time for me to be seeing that. Plus her Jesus-freak mother scared the love right out of me. If memory serves, I spent the next 2 weeks sleeping in my mom and dad's bed. I have not watched "Carrie" in it's entirety since, something that truly bugs The Joyous One because I won the movie in a costume contest 5 years ago for my Fat Elvis, but I refuse to watch it. Maybe I'll try again this year...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sniffity sniff sniff...

I realized something this weekend while I was using the ladies room at the Heartland Cafe. I was in the bathroom alone, in the stall, someone came in and as soon as I heard the door open, I sniffed. I sniffed long and I sniffed loud. As I was mid-sniff, I thought back to all my recent public restroom visits and recall sniffing anytime I was in there alone and someone came in. I can only assume this is some sort of defense mechanism to prevent the intruder from attempting to open my stall door, an act that causes immediate panic for me. I worry that if someone gives a good enough yank, the door will fly open and they will see me in all of my bathroom glory, struggling with undergarments, or my belt, or worse yet they'll see me in mid-hover, which leaves nothing to the imagination. That's apparently why I subconsciously created the sniff defense, and so far it has worked. Of course, as a friend of mine pointed out, the people walking in could hear the sniff and think I was snorting drugs off the toilet tank, but I think having people steer clear of my stall cuz they think I'm riding the white pony is preferable to having them bust in on me in an undesireable position...and all bathroom positions are undesireable in my opinon. And if it happens to be the fuzz coming into the bathroom, they hear the sniff, think it's drugs and break into my stall, all they'll see is a panic-stricken Merta, pants at half mast, no sign of drugs anywhere. They won't be able to make those charges stick...I dare you to try, copper! So yeah, apparently I'm a sniffer, if you come into a bathroom and hear a loud sniff, don't be shy, give me a hearty "Hey there" and "Hello", but if you pull on the stall door, I will hunt you down and kick your ass...once I stop hyperventilating.

Monday, October 20, 2008

So sad...

I don't think there's anything sadder than adults with their faces painted at sporting events. I lied, adults getting excited for the YMCA at sporting events...that might be sadder.

Friday, October 17, 2008

I'll comb your back if you comb mine...

So I've been getting a lot of questions about Comb Day and it's origins. It seems that several people don't just jump on board the made-up holiday train willy-nilly, they need some explanations before they give their ticket to the conductor. I'm here to provide those to you folks who aren't comfortable embracing Comb Day just yet. Hopefully, this little tale will change your mind.

Comb Day started 3 years ago on November 9th, and by total accident, as all of the great holidays do. It was cold that night, I know because I remember declaring "I'm cold" while heading out for drinks and hanging out...and more drinks. Meeting me for drinks and hanging out...and more drinks were Mina, Drew, Drew's pal Christyn, Emily and The Joyous One. When Mina arrived, she announced that she had presents for all of us, but she had to wait until The Joyous One arrived before she could hand them out. As Mina had just returned from Ireland, we got excited for the Irish gag gifts we were sure to receive. The anticipation built as we waited for The Joyous One and several times, we begged Mina to please just give us the presents. She stayed strong, and did not waver from her plan to wait. The Joyous One finally got to the bar, and before she could even order a drink, we were clamoring for the gifts that been kept from us. Mina beamed at us with one of her infectious smiles, the rest of us could not help but smile back and wiggle excitedly in our chairs as she counted reached in her bag and pulled out...a 20 pack of combs...what the? As she graced the table with combs she shouted "Combs for everyone!". The rest of us just looked at her, devoid of emotion, until her laughter took over and we all began cracking up and "what the f*ck"ing all over the place. Turns out, Mina needed a specific comb, which by itself cost $3.00 or something, I'm sure she'll correct me if I'm wrong. She spotted the same kind of comb in a pack of 20 that only cost like, $1.00, so the 20 pack was a screaming deal. Mina, in her infinite wisdom, realized this and without hesitation bought the bigger pack of combs. But what to do with the extra combs? Why, grace her friends with the gift of combs, that's what! We decided to turn this odd and unexpected gift exchange into a full-blown celebration, evidenced by the raging hangover we all carried the next day. Poor Christyn, we discovered that her birthday was on Comb Day Eve, and after initially hounding her with questions about being born so close to Comb Day, we pretty much forgot about her birthday, which often happens to people born close to holidays. Comb Day proved to be no different. We celebrated Comb Day with unabashed glee, decorating our hair with combs, trading combs back and forth, breaking combs then realizing that was like killing Santa on Christmas so we cut that out, and shouting "Happy Comb Day!!" to everyone we passed as our boisterous group made our way to another bar. At the next bar, we ran into another group of friends, who we quickly filled in by thrusting combs at them, and hugging them, all the while wishing guessed it...a Happy Comb Day. After their initial shock, they got right on board and Comb Day became a holiday to remember.

The following day, Drew composed a wonderful story which I will share with you know. It's about the true(made up) origins of Comb Day, and this is the story we think about whenever we swear at our combs, or knock them off the dresser, or see one broken in the street:
Comb Day 2006! What are you doing for comb day? What you have never heard of comb day? Well let me give you a little history of comb day. It is an ancient holiday that was celebrated in a small part of the world where peoples' hair grows like the grass. It all started when a women with beautiful long hair got shocked by a lightening bolt and fried her hair. All of her friends felt so bad that this women lost her beautiful hair and was left with a knotted mess. So they all came together and gave her combs. Well this beautiful women was so touched by this out poor of giving, that she vowed that no one, will ever again go with out a comb in their pocket. she decided that one day a year she would fill little kids shoes with combs, and would spread the warmth of combs to the entire world. These were marvelous combs, different colors and shapes and styles. Each of beautiful in their own way. This went of for generations to generations. In the 50's and 60's you could always find a comb in the back pocket of a "Greaser" and never to far away from a "squares" hand either. It is still practiced today in elementary schools during picture day. The photographer would pass out combs to the children before their school picture.
We have all heard of the most popular bar nights of the year, thanksgiving eve, new years eve, christmas, as well as halloween. Comb day is becoming one of the fastest growing bar nights around. People go to the bar for a drink and bring each other combs. As the night goes on, you can tell the most celebrated person by the number of combs in their hair. This person is normally the considered the most holiest person of the group and is sought out for their ability to make a normal night into a absolute drunken mess.
Please pass on this growing tradition to your friends and family. Grab a friend, grab a drink and dont forget your combs! Comb on brothers and Sisters, Comb On!

I hope this answers some of your questions. If it's raised more, I'm hoping you're smart enough to just forget your friggin questions and go with ridiculous flow that is Comb Day.

Friday, October 10, 2008


So, the other day when I wrote my AirWick boog it got me thinking about commercials and the various ones I like. I swear, you've never seen someone laugh as hard as I laugh every time that Bud Light commercial is on where the dog is screaming "Sausages!"., that's my favorite. You know who has a weird favorite? The Joyous One...she loves any and all commercials that involve The Slowsky' know, those turtles that Comcast uses? This surprises me, because if you know The Joyous One at all, you know there is nothing...and I mean nothing slow about her. She talks fast, eats fast, runs fast, walks fast, she even relaxes fast. I would go so far as to say she hates slowness. So why all the mad love for The Slowsky's? My God, first tuna this, I've reached a new level of boring.

Get me a Zoloft...

I got slapped with something very depressing this morning while having coffee with my fathah. We were just chatting along, and I found myself excited to tell him how I made my last tasty batch of tuna salad. That's not the depressing part. The depressing part is that it was the third time since I made it on Wednesday that I told someone about it in an excited manner. I realized this depressing fact as I said it, but that didn't stop me from getting all excited to tell it again when my mom came downstairs. I used to be so much fun, crazy even. Now, here I sit, a shell of my former fun self, getting all geeked to talk about tuna salad and the ins and outs of a good batch. If this is what it means to be almost 32, you can shove it where the tuna don't shine!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

What would their kids be...elephedes? Centiphants?

As a regular watcher of TV and reader of trashy magazines, I have seen some odd pairings, Jim Belushi and Courtney Thorne Smith, Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovitt, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton, Detective Sipowitz and that chick that played Eve on Days Of Our Lives. But never have I seen one less believable than the one I've seen recently in the AirWick commercials. I mean, I'm just not buying that relationship. A female elephant married to a centipede...and the elephant is British. What kind of idiots do the folks at AirWick take us for? Elephants don't come from Great Britain! Unless perhaps she's an escapee from a zoo, which is totally possible. But still, I don't think that this seemingly smart elephant would escape from a British zoo and marry the first insect she ran into. It's just not practical. And I know the point of the commercial is to show us that AirWick is powerful enough to cover the stench of one hundred shoes...but come on, AirWick, you're talking about 100 centipede shoes! There ain't no way that 100 centipede shoes smell worse than an elephant's ass. I've been to the zoo, I've ridden on an elephant, I know their scent. Even if I had 100 centipedes jammed in my nose and they all had stinky shoes it wouldn't smell as bas as an elephant. Hell, even if they all farted at once while wearing their stinky shoes, it wouldn't smell as bad as an elephant. Do centipedes even have butts with which to fart? Yeah, I have no idea. And the thought of 100 centipedes in my nose has just freaked me the eff out. But that's not the point, the point is that if AirWick wants us to buy their product, then they should have the centipede telling us how AirWick is powerful enough to cover the assy stink of their elephant spouse. An air freshener that can cover that smell is an air freshener I can really get behind.