Sniffity sniff sniff...

I realized something this weekend while I was using the ladies room at the Heartland Cafe. I was in the bathroom alone, in the stall, someone came in and as soon as I heard the door open, I sniffed. I sniffed long and I sniffed loud. As I was mid-sniff, I thought back to all my recent public restroom visits and recall sniffing anytime I was in there alone and someone came in. I can only assume this is some sort of defense mechanism to prevent the intruder from attempting to open my stall door, an act that causes immediate panic for me. I worry that if someone gives a good enough yank, the door will fly open and they will see me in all of my bathroom glory, struggling with undergarments, or my belt, or worse yet they'll see me in mid-hover, which leaves nothing to the imagination. That's apparently why I subconsciously created the sniff defense, and so far it has worked. Of course, as a friend of mine pointed out, the people walking in could hear the sniff and think I was snorting drugs off the toilet tank, but I think having people steer clear of my stall cuz they think I'm riding the white pony is preferable to having them bust in on me in an undesireable position...and all bathroom positions are undesireable in my opinon. And if it happens to be the fuzz coming into the bathroom, they hear the sniff, think it's drugs and break into my stall, all they'll see is a panic-stricken Merta, pants at half mast, no sign of drugs anywhere. They won't be able to make those charges stick...I dare you to try, copper! So yeah, apparently I'm a sniffer, if you come into a bathroom and hear a loud sniff, don't be shy, give me a hearty "Hey there" and "Hello", but if you pull on the stall door, I will hunt you down and kick your ass...once I stop hyperventilating.