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Friday, January 30, 2009

Snug it ain't so...

After weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks(technically I should just say 'months') of wanting to write a boog making fun of the Snuggie, I find that I'm just unable to do so. The first 500 times I saw this commercial, I guffawed loudly at it, said things like "Oh sure, like taking your arm out of the blanket to change the channel is such a chore" and "Whatever lady, you're not gonna freeze to death by removing your hand from the warmth to answer the phone." and "Give me a break, blankets are just as good as this stupid Snuggie thing. You don't need special blanket arms to read a book. Just throw a sweatshirt on if you get cold." Well my friends, I am eating my words, let me tell you.

Last night, while comfortably ensconced under a blanket on the Lay-Z-Boy(The Joyous One was out boozin, that's why I got the Lay-Z-Boy. It's not a permanent thing), I was faced with many situations in which I really was wishing I had a Snuggie. First, there was Ike. Yes, my digital crab Ike is still alive, he's 53 and a huge pain in the ass. Why haven't I just let him die? Well, I've come to have fairly strong feelings for this piece of plastic w/ a digital crab dancing on it and I would feel so bad if I just stopped caring for him. Plus, I have an irrational fear of PETA. Although they are some crazy effers, so maybe my fear isn't all that irrational. Basically, I'm in it for the long haul w/ Ike, so until his battery dies, I'm bound to him like Polident to granny's teeth. Anysnuggie, Ike requires a fair amount of attention, pressing a button to clean his poop, pressing a button to play with him, pressing a button to train him, and all the button pressing requires fingers. And I don't know about you all, but my fingers are attached to hands(lovely hands, if I may say so) which are then attached to arms, and last night, those arms were toasty under a blanket and totally pissed when they had to be removed from their toastyness to care for Ike. You know what would have come in handy? A Snuggie, that's what.

Remember when I made fun of the person who acted like removing their arm from a blanket to change the channel was the worst thing ever? Well guess what...it is. Especially when all of your favorite shows are reruns, which you still want to watch, but the rerunnyness of them is allowing you to do major flipping, which is great because there are "Friends" reruns on, and "Celebrity Rehab: Sober House"...PS, is it just me, or is Steven Adler nearly as hot-messy as Jeff Conaway? Anydruggie, there were plenty of quality television shows on, and I was cuddled up like a wombat in it's mother's pouch, and having to remove my arm to flip channels was in fact, the worst thing ever(please don't respond to me with actual things that are worse, like yellow fever, or homelessness, or even more serious, an allergy to bacon). You know what would have been really tits in that tituation? I think you know...

And you know what else? All of my anger and annoyance at having to remove my arms to flip channels and care for Ike caused me to remove them only when I absolutely had to, and I didn't take full advantage of the arm removal. I failed to take sips of water, or eat, or apply Burt's Beeswax and the personal neglect caused intermittent dozing throughout the evening so I missed lots of tv, plus I had to keep licking my lips. When Joy got home, I must've looked like death with my cracked, dry lips, sunken hunger cheeks, a Sahara desert rasp to my voice, pale clammy skin, the sluggish lolling about of my head, hair falling out due to dehydration...okay, it wasn't that serious and I totally jumped out of my seat and ran to The Joyous One as soon she walked through the door. Don't get the wrong idea, she had tacos for me. I mean, I love her like crazy, but she had tacos...TACOS!!!!

I guess the moral of this story is...buy me a Snuggie. And don't let anything stand in the way of you and your tacos.

Friday, January 9, 2009

West Side is the best side...

So today, I was chatting w/ my friend BZ and out of nowhere, I asked BZ if she could forgive someone for killing her brother, if she was in love with the person who killed her brother. She answered that it would depend on the circumstance and also it would depend on what kind of person her brother was. Like, if he was a serial killer, fair game, but if he was just a regular guy, then she probably couldn't forgive the killer. I then told her that I was specifically thinking about the scenario from West Side Story. BZ promptly replied w/ "no way, I would not forgive him". I agreed by saying "absolutely not. at least not right away, and I def wouldn't eff the guy right after". This statement led to some confusion for both BZ and I, we couldn't remember if Maria and Tony had the S-E-X before or after he killed Bernardo. We knew we had to find out...enter ED...I called ED, told her the scenario, she too thought that Maria and Tony did have the S-E-X after Maria knew that Tony killed Nardo. After we discussed it a little, she asked why this was a topic of discussion for BZ and I...and I couldn't remember. Why did I start it up in the first place? At what point did West Side Story infiltrate my brain, and why the brother-killer part? It was time to do my favorite thing...time to Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon myself...

Technically, I shouldn't call it SDOKB because it doesn't involve linking celebrities to Kevin Bacon. It does involve linking the words coming out of my mouth to the initial thought that led to the words coming out of my mouth, so basically me linking my random thoughts...which occasionally contain celebrities so it's ALMOST the same thing as SDOKB. Here is what I came up with, buckle up it's gonna be a random ride:

What was I thinking about right before Tony, dead Nardo and slutty Maria entered my head...I had just finished a disgusting sniffle due to my nasal congestion, so I was thinking about my nasal congestion, and my open-mouth breathing caused by my nasal congestion and thinking about how disgusting I must look and sound...this led me to start singing "I Feel Pretty". A few verses later, the "I Feel Pretty" singing led me to think about how bad of a dancer Natalie Wood was in West Side Story...this led me to the scene in the gym and my favorite song "Mambo"...which led me to do a little chair dance to "Mambo" as it played in my head...this led me to think about Anita(played by Rita Moreno), and how beautiful she is, and what a great dancer...at this point my brain took a little excursion to "The Electric Company" because, if I'm not mistaken, Rita Moreno at some point in her career could be heard saying "Hey You Guys" on The Electric Company...the excursion continued to The Goonies and Sloth saying that same line as he slid down the sail of One Eyed Willie's ship...not wanting this image in my head for the rest of the day, I quickly went back to Rita Moreno...after a brief hum of "Puerto Rico", a new image entered...Anita singing "A boy like that, who killed your brother...forget that boy and find another" popped into my head... and this finally led me to think about Maria pounding Tony on the chest going "Killer, killer, killer" then collapsing in his arms and then giving him her V card...and this, my friends, is when I started the brother-killing conversation w/ BZ. After all this, I also realized that I pretty much hate Tony for killing Bernardo and CANNOT BELIEVE Maria would eff him right after...sorry, "make love" to him right after...gag.

Have a good weekend, everyone!