My faithful boog readers, it is with a heavy hand and heart that I am writing this boog. I'm sad to tell you that something has been taken from my life that has been the source of great laughter and happiness and I'm not really sure how to go on.
Yesterday morning, at about 8:30am, I flicked on the telly in my bedroom as I do every morning. I changed the channel to 45, Lifetime Television For Women, for my morning dose of The Golden Girls. Instead of being greeted by a sarcastic quip from one of my gals of a golden hue, I was greeted by the southern twang of fiery red-head Reba McIntyre. What was going on? How could I have a good morning without my favorite Miami biddies? I figured that it must be some sort of programming error and I would just have to wait until midnight to watch my ladies. Fast forward to midnight, I turn on the television, and instead of hearing a St. Olaf story thanks to Rose Nylund, I hear the voice of Doug Savant in the role of Felicity Huffman's hubby on Desperate Housewives. I was gobsmacked. Where the hell were my friggin Golden Girls? Was this some sort of not-even-a-little-funny joke? I decided to give it one more try this morning.
As 8:30am rolled around, I rolled out of bed, grabbed my remote, crossed my fingers, closed my eyes and turned on channel 45...I listened closely, hoping to hear a delicious insult courtesy of Sophia Petrillo, but for the second time in as many days I was instead twanged by Reba. I stood in front of the television, mouth turned upside down, my right hand clenched around the remote as if squeezing it to death would make The Golden Girls appear. Furious, I screamed "Eff you Lifetime! Indian Giver!" and flipped to "It's Me Or The Dog".
Today when I got to work, I decided to explore the Lifetime website to check the schedule. I mean, this couldn't be a forever thing, at least not in my mind. Who on earth would prefer Reba, or Desperate Housewives to the hilarity of The Golden Girls? You're not gonna hear Reba utter "Picture it...Sicily...1924..." and certainly no Desperate Houswives character can give you quick-comeback whiplash the way Dorothy Zbornak can. Sure, sure, DH does have plenty of Blanche-like sluttiness, but that's not enough to make up for what I was losing...which right now feels like 4 close friends...and grandmas...funny grandmas who love cheesecake the way I love cheeseburgers...and joke about sex like high schoolers...which maybe isn't that funny if it's your real grandma joking about sex...or maybe it is. Anygeriatric, I went to Lifetime's website, and with a shaky hand clicked on the "Schedule" section...I scrolled...and scrolled...and scrolled...no Golden Girls. I checked the next day, I scrolled...and scrolled...and scrolled...no luck. I checked the day after that, I scrolled...and scrolled...and scrolled...and when I saw no Golden Girls for the 3rd day in a row...I cried...a single fat tear which rolled down my chubby cheek and saturated my sweater. More tears followed, but I'd rather not talk that because it's slightly embarrassing to cry over The Golden Girls in your office...even if nobody noticed...because you jumped up and went to the bathroom right away...and your head was down so no one could see you crying...plus you're 32 years old and a little old to be crying about a TV show...especially one that has been off the air for years...and one that is available on DVD. Anycrybaby, there will definetely be a void in my life since this show has been ripped from me without warning. I will do my best to make it through this difficult time by recalling my favorite moments and replaying my favorite scenes on the internal television of my mind, so don't be surprised if the next time you see me, I look off to the distance, chuckle to myself and utter "Oh Sophia"...
Indian Giver!!
ReplyDelete