Wednesday, February 25, 2009

One second is enough time to kick your a**...

I do not like it when people take things literally that aren't meant to be taken literally. I shouldn't say that, because sometimes I wish that certain statements that aren't meant to be taken literally, were actually taken literally...like "running to the bathroom"...part of me(any by "part", I mean "all") wishes that every time people said they were "running to the bathroom" they actually did. I mean, I think I would just crack up if I saw people whizzing by me(not literally whizzing, but whizzing) every time they had to go. Gosh, I really talk about bathroom stuff a lot...more than the average 32 year old I'm sure...and more than the average 10 year old. Anydoodoobrown, that's not the point. The point of this boog is to complain about people taking things I say literally, which happened to me this morning. I answered a call at work and it was a client of one of my co-workers who had a question. Instead of asking for my co-worker, he said he would just ask me the question. Fine, no problem, I don't mind answering questions, it makes me feel like I have some value...I feel proud of myself when I answer correctly...not unlike people on game shows...or on the witness stand. Anypolygraph, he asked me how long the flight was for the flight that he is on in April. See, he had been trying to figure it out for himself since he's so familiar w/ the time change between here and Germany(he goes every year), but he was coming up with a time that was an hour faster than what the flight time had been every other time he's gone, so he was questioning his math. So I tell him that I can certainly look up the duration for that flight, just give me one second...and he goes "One second, wow you must be fast! Seconds up!"...then he starts laughing...hysterically...like he's the only a**hole that's ever said that in reaction to "one second, please". I mean I could have said "one minute" to avoid potential "seconds up" annoyance, but I find that saying "give me one minute" is far more rude sounding than "give me one second". Sure, you could say "give me one moment(in time...when I'm racing with destiny...then in that one moment of time, I will feel, I will feel...eternity. Sorry, I love Whitney)", but "one moment" is pretty much "one second" and I'd still get it from that clever little a**hole. I mean, come on dude, I'm totally doing you a solid and you d-bag me? Wow, I just slipped into some alternate language for a minute there...I never talk like that...I just watched "Juno"...that's what happened. So yeah, that's the first call I took this morning.

The second call was a heavy nose-breather, which is like my number 1 work pet peeve. Cannot stand the heavy nose-breathing RIGHT INTO MY EAR. Like what are you doing that is causing you to breath that heavily through your nose? And how close to the mouthpiece of your phone is your nostril? Because it's got to be pretty effing close to deafen me like that! It's not a panting noise either, that'd actually be preferable to the heavy nose-breathing. And what makes it worse is when they have a whistling booger while they are heavy nose-breathing. Like nails on a chalkboard...or a fork scratching on a porcelain plate...or Miley Cyrus singing live. Actually, heavy-nose breathing w/ a whistling booger is the worst sound ever, so I'm benching "like nails on a chalkboard" in favor of "like heavy nose-breathing w/ a whistling booger". Sure, it's more words and syllables, but I'm willing to take on the extra work just to get my point across.

So yeah, that was pretty much my day in a nutshell. Oh, one other bad thing happened...my friend BZ couldn't remember the cartoon "Top Cat", and therefore couldn't remember the theme song and therefore my "Top Cat/Top Chef" reference was completely lost on her. Boo. Hoo.

2 comments:

  1. Anypolygraph........Meta I detest heavy breathers. This entry reminds me of the time you got crank called at work about where do cruises go?? Anywhere?? Yes pretty much anywhere you want??? Yes. What came next??

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  2. I believe the next line of that crank call was "How bout straight up your ass!"...followed by hilarious laughter...from me...

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