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Thursday, October 25, 2012

Where does the good go

My life has been weird as shit lately, and this morning it caused me to go into a thought process that has me reeling a little bit. You know how there are two sides to every story? I mean, I shouldn't ask, that's a true statement, there are two sides to pretty much everything in this world. It shocks me that people can see the same situation in two totally opposite ways. And no, I'm not talking politics, or why some people think Two and a Half Men is funny when it absolutely isn't. I'm talking things that happen between people, discussions about things that happen between people, one on one kind of shit. I got to wondering what that's all about, these colossal differences in the way we see things, and started thinking about it in terms of my own life, in terms of my own sitches that are happening in my hemi(situations in my hemisphere for those of you that prefer full words).

We all tell ourselves things about ourselves that we come to believe about ourselves. I've always told myself that I was a funny person, a hard worker, kind of ethical, sort of moral, a pushover, supportive, giving, loving, nice...I really see myself as a good person. And I tell myself that. I know I can be catty, and gross, but I don't think I'm intentionally mean, and I don't think I'm attentionally mean(this is a phrase i just made up. like if you pull focus from someone when they are talking about something that they are struggling with to get the attention on yourself. another use would be if you do/say something that you don't believe to get attention from someone/many people at the cost of hurting a friend/loved one. i don't know. i kind of like it). Anytention, the bottom line for me is that I have always told myself I was a good person, and kind.

There have been a few sitches, and I won't say if they are personal or professional. I mean, maybe there's a few of each! Or two and one! Or one and two! Or three of a kind! Or ten of bunny! What? I don't know. But I was getting myself through these situations(sitches was starting to bug) by telling myself the things I believe about myself, and wondering how the differing side wasn't seeing these things I believe about myself, why they weren't taking these things I believe about myself into account and realizing that I was "right". Did they not see that I was a good person, and kind? When retelling the stories to the VERY few people I retold them to, my goodness, and my kindness, were at the center of these retellings. They were the things that I rested my argument on, my "rightness" on...the beliefs about myself made me know that what I was saying, what I believed to be true about myself, could not be argued with and therefore, I was "right". How could this be? How could anyone see anything different than what I see when I am a good person, and kind?

Because they were going into these situations thinking the same damn things about themselves. That they are a good person, and kind, so how could *I* not see that? How could *I* have such a different view of the situation? No one thinks they are a dick, right? No one really things that. And that's why people see the same situation very fucking differently. No one tells themselves "I am a huge fucking dick. And not the penetrating kind. The total asshole kind". Everyone tells themselves they are a good person, and kind. We tell ourselves things about ourselves that we believe about ourselves, and these are the beliefs that we take into every new room with us("room" now means situation because situation was starting to bug).

I'm not saying that people can't be good people, or kind. I'm not saying that I'm not good, or kind. I just am realizing that I have self-belief blinders on when I walk into different rooms. All of us do. I have told myself these things so much for so long, they have so many uses. They help heal my heart when it breaks, help console me when I make a bad choice, help calm me down when I think my world is over...these beliefs are there to protect me...from me. But sometimes, I can't see past them and get a clear view of the room that I'm in. I need to remember that a lot of the time? I'm in a room with someone who also thinks they are a good person, and kind, and they probably are, just like I probably am. Unless of course, I'm dealing with an actual dick. You know, the total asshole kind.

Another thing I need to remember? Is that sometimes good and kind people aren't going to see things the way I do, and that doesn't make me less good, or less kind, and that doesn't make them less good, or less kind. I need to remember that a person doesn't become evil simply by disagreeing with me. Unless of course, they are an actual dick. You know, the total asshole kind.

*This has given me a little pause. A little food for thought for myself. A "something to work on", if you will. Maybe I'm not as good of a person as I keep telling myself I am. Or as good of a person as I used to be. That's okay, it doesn't have to be permanent. Maybe I've let myself rest on that idea and started to slack off, rather than continue to work on it. I worked on it for a really long time, and I mean, that happens sometimes. We get good at something, we get cocky, we slack. Maybe these days? What I'm good at? Is not being a person, but being a liar. Time to pick up the slack :)

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