I've Got Your Evil Right Here...

Do you guys remember "The Secret of Nimh"? It came up in a conversation I was having the other day, and I had this uncomfortable/sad memory flash that involved a rat and some underground thing, perhaps a tunnel. I remember watching the movie at my cousin's house, and maybe I also read the comic-type book that was the movie in a nutshell. I must have enjoyed it on some level, because I think I saw it more than once. But I definetely get a sweeping sadness when I try to remember what it's about. I did some research on it, and when I read the synopsis, I thought "Well no wonder that memory made you sad, that movie sounds sad as hell!"...A widowed field mouse(Mrs. Bisby) w/ a sick son trying to escape from a farmer's plow and having to go to the creepy owl for help(you know that owls eat mice!), and then having to deal w/ some uber intelligent rats, one that wants to kill the rat leader Nicodemus and Mrs. Bisby's kids, and she has a rat named Justin trying to help her(I have no problem with the name Justin, I just think it's a lame name for a mystical rat is all). I mean, that's an intense plot for the 6-year-old set, doncha think? I don't remember how the movie ends, I feel like Nicodemus gets killed, the plow wins and Mrs Bisby is forced into an arranged marriage w/ the evil rat Jenner. I'm sure that's not really how it goes down, but whatever, I clearly have a sour taste in my mouth from that movie. And it's not the only one from my shorty-hood, let me tell you. Don't even get me started on E.T. or Dumbo, those 2 movies jacked me up when I was a kid. What? You want to get me started on those? Oh alright, twist my arm...

Dumbo, a little movie brought to us by Disney about a circus elephant with his big ears and his ability to fly. Cute movie, right? WRONG!!! I watched this movie for the first time on ABC, which was showing it over 2 nights. I sat in front of the boob-tube wriggling with childhood glee, up until the part where they cut the movie off for the first night...rriiiigghht as Dumbo's mother gets taken from him. What? What is wrong with you, ABC? A child's number 1 fear is losing his or her mother! As a wee child, I'm supposed to go to sleep knowing that Dumbo's mom has been stolen from him and he's all alone? As a wee child, I'm supposed to go through the next day acting normal, as if nothing has happened, when for all I know, Dumbo's mom is dead? Seriously...what...the...f*ck. And Disney, you're just as much to blame for the horrible way you wrench children away from their parents in your movies, going so far as to kill some of them off. For shame, Disney, for shame. Mind you for the right amount of money, I would write a script killing off every cartoon parent from here to Timbuktu, so who am I to judge, right? But still, the little kid inside of me is totally pissed at you because you wrecked Dumbo for her, and she blames you and ABC for her abandonment issues.


E.T: The Extra Terrestrial -- like any good L.I.T.(Lesbian In Training), I was a sucker for dinosaurs, G.I. Joe's, and anything and everything outer space, sci-fi, etc. So naturally I was delighted when I heard about E.T. I went to see it at the Lake Theater, I think I was with my parents, some cousins, some aunts and uncles. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Then the movie started and the first friggin thing you see is poor little E.T. getting left behind on Earth. What is a little kid's number 2 fear behind losing his or her mother? Getting left the eff behind! My lip started to tremble and I was nearly lost in sadness. I held on for awhile, with the help of Drew Barrymore, and E.T.'s cuteness(although now that I think of it, he's not that cute). Then, things went south in a hurry. E.T. gets sick which, because of his connection to Ell-i-ott, also gets Ell-i-ott sick. They both turn a deathly shade of white, the house is quarantined, there's crazy men in horrible white suits freaking everyone out, there's screaming and running and E.T. is dying and no one around me seemed to care. I was beside myself, sobbing with such force my collarbone started to hurt. And then, E.T. has to leave Ell-i-ott and go back with his other E.T.'s, and this should have made me happy, but that music was playing, and Ell-i-ott was sobbing, and I was borderline about to throw up because I was so upset...so I left. Walked right out of the theater into the lobby and sat there and cried. Cried for the alien friend that Ell-i-ott had lost, cried for the alien friend I would never have, cried for every creature that just wanted to phone home. I was inconsolable. I vowed to never see that movie again, and I haven't. If it comes on I fly into a rage, launch a swear-ridden tirade about the evils of E.T., which has pretty much wrecked me for life.

There are other movies I'm sure(hello? The Neverending Story when the horse gets sad? Okay, now I'm crying). I know these movies supposedly have happy endings, and they are meant to teach a lesson about life, blah blah blah. But all they really taught me was how to fast forward through the sad parts, and how does that help me in real life when there's no fast forward?

Feel free to weigh in people. Which "children's movies" made you pee from fear, barf from crying, had you laid up in bed unable to eat or drink anything for days?